Heartbroken
by Loopstagirl
Summary: Merlin is used to saving Arthur. What he isn't used to is saving him from himself. Spoilers for 4x09.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

**Spoilers for 4x09, so don't read if you don't want to know.**

**Sorry, this is a bit depressing, I just couldn't get it out of my head.**

Merlin sat in the corner of Gaius' chambers, staring at nothing. The physician had long since given up trying to engage his ward in conversation. Had Morgana really won this time? Gwen was the first friend he had made in Camelot; she had been the one to make him feel welcome. Gaius had done what he could, but the young warlock had needed people of his own age, and Gwen had provided that. She had been the one to introduce him to Morgana; she had been the one to smile sympathetically as he ranted about having to work for Arthur and how much of a prat the prince was.

He had been with the pair of them throughout the whole of their relationship, often being used as the messenger when Arthur wanted her to know that he was thinking of her, even if it couldn't be said out loud. He had shared the prince's fear when Uther had sentenced her to both exile and then death when he had discovered the extent of their relationship. That had been Morgana's fault as well. Destroying the Pendragon's physically wasn't enough; Morgana had struck for Arthur's heart. The first time their love had been strong enough to overcome the forces working against them, even if they didn't know about Merlin's interference.

But this time, it had been Arthur himself that had cast her out. Merlin didn't think he would ever forget the look on either of their faces. He had watched Gwen in silence as she had been forced to pack up and leave, not knowing what to say. She probably didn't even know how grateful he was to her. The warlock may have been the one to constantly be saving Camelot, but Gwen was one of the reasons he had done so. Not because of destiny or even duty. But simply because she was his friend, she had been there for him. She was the only one who had believed him about Gaius being possessed by a goblin, she had been the one to comfort him when Gaius had been kidnapped. No one else, not even Arthur, had been able to get through to him like that, and now she was gone.

In a way, Merlin understood Arthur's actions. He had always been insecure about his relationship with the once serving girl, believing that he wasn't good enough for her, that she wouldn't wait for him. And yet Gwen had waited... until the night before their wedding. The King might have listened to Agravaine to the extent of knowing that he had to do something, but at least he had thought for himself when it had come to how he was going to react. Merlin knew that Arthur hadn't wanted to do anything, that he would have allowed Gwen to stay if he could.

But it wasn't Agravaine that had made up his mind this time. Merlin could see the sting of betrayal lingering in the monarch's eyes, could read the heartache on his face. Arthur had made this decision because he couldn't bear it any other way. To believe that Gwen had waited for him, that they could finally be together... and then to walk in on a scene like that. Merlin knew that Lancelot had feelings for Gwen, and that she had once returned them. Him returning from the dead would have certainly been enough to confuse her, maybe she hadn't thought about what she was doing? But as Merlin sat there brooding for hours after hours, he couldn't help but think. What if she had known what she was doing? What if she still genuinely returned those feelings? For once, the warlock had missed the magical object around his friend's wrist. He knew Lancelot's return was thanks to Morgana, and now found that he hated her more than ever for destroying his friend's reputation. Lancelot was a noble man through and through and deserved to be remembered as such. But although he knew Lancelot's return was not what it seemed, he didn't know there was something more to Gwen's actions.

This time, Arthur had made the decision by himself. Part of Merlin almost resented him for it, Gwen was his friend as well, not to mention many people of Camelot held a spot in their hearts for the kind-hearted, once bumbling maid. But at the end of the day, Merlin could see how heartbroken the King was. Gwen might have been his friend, but he couldn't deny that Arthur was his _best _friend, that the King was his destiny, and like every time before, he had to come first.

It was late by the time there was a soft knock on the door. Merlin glanced up as Leon came in, shortly followed by Gwaine. The two of them were not the pairing Merlin would often think of for going for late night outings, causing the warlock to frown quizzically at them. He didn't bother saying anything; they knew how close he had been to Gwen. Still was, for the servant refused to believe that his friend was gone for good.

"You better come with us, Merlin." Leon said gravely, and Merlin's frown just deepened. He wasn't in the mood for games, and had no desire to go anywhere. Until Gwaine opened his mouth, that was.

"It's Arthur." He said bluntly, and Merlin sighed. He knew that in any situation, he would have had no choice but to chose Arthur over Gwen, but at this given time, he had no desire to have to deal with the man.

"And Elyan." Leon added, and Merlin found that gained his attention. The combination of those two men together could no end well, not considering what had happened.

"What's going on?"

"Arthur's... Arthur's not himself. He's in the tavern, although luckily had the sense to go cloaked, no one has noticed that it is the King. No one apart from one man..."

"Elyan." Merlin finished with a sigh, climbing to his feet and picking up his jacket from where it was strewn across the back of his chair. Gaius had gone to do some late night rounds, not wanting to stay in his chambers any longer considering the mood of his ward. But Merlin knew it was more than that, he had been close to Gwen as well. Shutting the door behind him, Merlin let the two knights lead the way. But watching them cast him sideways, worried glances, he knew that he was not accompanying two knights to their King. He was accompanying two friends to help another, one who was in need of them.

"What's Elyan done?" He eventually asked, shivering as they left the castle and headed down towards the tavern. This was wrong. It was normally Gwen coming to get him when Gwaine – and more often than not, her brother as well – had had too much and were beginning to lose their senses. This was all the wrong way around, and something about it made Merlin feel her absence even more. How could this have really happened?

"Nothing yet," Leon responded quietly, his tone sombre. "He's just watching Arthur. But the King is beginning to have a few too many, and I think he might be waiting until Arthur isn't thinking straight."

"What do you think he will do?"

"Nothing he won't regret."Gwaine muttered, and Merlin knew what this was truly about. Like him, they were torn. They owed their loyalty to Arthur, and Merlin knew they too would see how much the King was hurting. But Elyan was one of them... Gwen had already caused them to lose Lancelot one way or the other, they weren't about to let what happened destroy the Knights even more.

"Has Arthur noticed him?"

"Not yet. And I want to keep it that way." Leon said, making it sound more like an order. Merlin nodded though, knowing what the man meant. Elyan needed to make a decision with a clear head when the hurt had eased slightly, and Arthur needed to face up to what his actions had done to those around him, again with a clear head. Now was not the time.

"I'll get the King if you two can get Elyan out of there." Merlin wasn't sure when they listened to him, but when it came to Arthur; even the Knights had to admit that Merlin had a way of dealing with the man that meant Arthur stayed safe. They nodded their consent and slipped around the back of the tavern, no doubt closer to where they had last seen Elyan. Taking a deep breath, Merlin closed his eyes momentarily. He could save Arthur physically with his eyes shut, he had done it enough times. But saving the man from himself? This was when Merlin hated his destiny.

It didn't take him long at all to notice the King when he entered the tavern. All was bustling and cheerful, exactly as it should be, apart from in one corner. A cloaked man sat in silence, a tankard in his hand and several empty ones strewn around him. The man in question was staring into the depths as if wanting to drown himself in it, but Merlin was already moving. He would know Arthur anywhere, disguised or not.

He had crossed half of the tavern when he caught sight of something out of the corner of his eye. When he turned, he saw Gwaine gesturing wildly to another man who was watching just as intently as Merlin. But behind Gwaine, making use of the Knight's distraction, Leon was bundling a resisting Elyan out of the door. Arthur glanced up, but only saw his tavern-loving knight creating a scene, and thought nothing else of it. By the time he had turned back to his drink, Merlin was by his side.

"I think you have had quite enough." The King's servant insisted forcefully, pulling the cup out of Arthur's hand and gripping his upper arm in a strangely firm grip for someone so skinny. Arthur surprisingly didn't resist, but let himself be pulled to his feet and out of the door. But instead of turning towards the castle, he instead turned to look towards Gwen's house.

"This way, Sire."

"She's gone." Arthur's voice was hollow and empty. Merlin had been prepared to keep up his annoyance with the King for not giving the supposed love of his life a second chance, but hearing him speak now, the servant couldn't find it in himself to feel anything but pity. Arthur sounded so lost, so utterly heartbroken that Merlin simply draped Arthur's arm around his shoulder and began steering his king towards the castle.

"Perhaps she'll be back one day." He muttered quietly, not being sure what Arthur wanted to hear. Would the idea of seeing Gwen again make him angry, or hopeful?

"I sent her away." Arthur lamented, and Merlin had nothing to say. Yes, the King had sent her away, what did he expect Merlin to say? He knew how close the two servants had been. "She liked him more than me. Now she doesn't have to pretend to love me."

"Arthur!" Merlin stopped, leaning the King against a wall. Seeing Arthur sag, he placed his hands on the man's shoulder, both propping him up and forcing Arthur to look at him. "She loved you. There is no question about it. Don't you ever think that she didn't."

"She loved him more. Maybe she'll be happier now."

"What has got into you? You know how much she loved you, she would have done anything for you. Yes, she once may have had feelings for Lancelot. But that was before you even knew that she existed, you can't fault her that. But every time you broke her heart, she came back to you. He had just returned from the dead, you prat. What did you expect? For her to not even blink?"

Merlin didn't even realise how angry he was sounding. He could just about cope with Gwen being gone. But not with Arthur thinking that he had done her a favour, not with him doubting all that he had done and been through to overcome his father's prejudices to admit how much he loved her.

"She didn't say that she regretted what she had done." Arthur said mournfully, once again looking towards Gwen's house. "She might have been happier with him all along."

Merlin lost it. Before he knew what he was doing, he had slapped Arthur sharply.

"Get over yourself!" He snapped, turning away from the King and breathing heavily. "I get how this has broken your heart. You're not the first man to suffer heartbreak, I know how it feels to lose the one you love. But you sent her away, Arthur. If you regret that, go after her, beg for forgiveness, say that you were wrong. If you can't feel like you can trust her again, then go back to being a king. But don't you dare say that she didn't care for you. You're not the only one hurting over this, you know. Just because you are king doesn't mean your pain is more worthwhile than the rest of us. She is my _friend_, Arthur. She is Elyan's _sister._ So don't you dare make this about you."

Merlin had every intention of leaving Arthur there, letting the man find his own way back to his chambers. But even as he turned around, there came a sound that he never thought he would hear from the King. By the time he turned back around, Arthur was in tears. A few slipped silently down his face as he met Merlin's gaze, and the warlock moved before he thought about it. Before he realised what he was doing, he had pulled the King of Camelot into a hug. And Arthur let him.

"I don't understand." Arthur muttered, and Merlin could sense the confusion in his voice. Arthur really had no idea why Gwen had done it. She had said that she had been overwhelmed by Lancelot's appearance, but it was clear that what happened in the council chambers had been planned, she wouldn't have been there otherwise. Not knowing about the bracelet, Merlin had to believe the same as Arthur. She had knowingly gone behind his back on the night before their wedding.

"I know. Neither do I." He mumbled, giving Arthur a moment before pushing him away again. For a moment, the two men stared at each other in the darkness, both having tears swimming in their eyes over what had happened. They had both lost someone dear to them, and although Merlin knew more than Arthur, neither properly understood why. "But your friends are still here, Arthur. Let them help."

Arthur nodded mutely, and let Merlin take his arm, leading him unsteadily back towards the castle. Merlin decided that he was never letting Arthur drink again – first his father's death and now this? The emotional consequences were too hard to deal with. He never thought that he would be thinking this, but he preferred the Arthur that denied that he felt anything compared to this. He simply had no way of how to help the King.

Nothing was said until they reached Arthur's chambers. Merlin somehow got him in and ready for bed, pushing him down on the pillows and all but ordering the King to sleep. It was only as Merlin reached the door again that a whisper was heard.

"I'm sorry. I know how much you cared for her. I know I'm not the only one hurting. Just promise me one thing, Merlin?"

"What's that, Sire?" Normally, Merlin would agree straight away, but with the state Arthur was in, he wasn't sure what was about to come out of the King's mouth.

"Don't let me lose anyone else?" Never before had Merlin heard Arthur sound so vulnerable, and he immediately turned, smiling reassuringly into the darkness.

"I told you we were in this together, Arthur. I mean that still. We will get through this, and maybe one day we will understand. Even forgive. But until then, you still have me. Now sleep."

And with that, the warlock left. His heart was still heavy and he knew that it would be a while before he got over this. He had lost Lancelot again, and been made to watch Gwen leave everything she had ever known behind. But it was lighter than it was earlier that evening. When he had done it, he was not sure. But he had forgiven the King for his decision.

Merlin truly meant what he had said. They would find a way through this together, and he would carry on protecting Arthur. Even if it was from himself and his own heart.

**Please review? I'll give cookies...**


	2. Chapter 2

**Just got the urge to give this a second part, not quite sure why, but hope that you like it anyway.**

It was with a heavy heart Merlin finally managed to pull himself from Gaius' chambers the next morning. If he was honest, he wasn't quite sure what had happened the night before. He thought it would be Arthur with the foggy head, but Merlin's own was reeling. Something had changed in his attitude towards the king, that much was for sure. He had somehow forgiven Arthur for what he had done, and promised to be by his side no matter what. But how was that going to be possible when Arthur wasn't letting anyone close, driving away those who managed to get close to his heart? He may have actually carried out his threat of exile with Gwen, but Merlin had heard those words directed at him several times lately as well. And if Arthur was unsure about what had happened the night before as well...Merlin wasn't looking forward to finding out what his reaction to breaking down on his servant was going to be.

His feet dragging, Merlin purposefully made the walk to the royal chambers last as long as he possibly could. Much as he might moan about working for Arthur, he normally enjoyed getting there in the morning, even if it did involve having to duck flying objects. No one else saw Arthur like that, not yet properly awake and the only time these days he wore his heart on his sleeve. Those brief glimpses of the old Arthur gave Merlin hope that if he could just remove Agravaine's ever increasing influence over his friend, Arthur truly would be the King to unite Albion. But slowly as he might have been walking, Merlin still found himself face to face with Arthur's door and the inevitable entry he knew he had to make. As per usual, he didn't bother to knock, but slipped rather quietly through the door.

Merlin had been expecting Arthur to still be in bed where his servant had left him the night before. If was honest, Merlin also expected him to be nursing a sore head, something that the warlock was going to have no sympathy for whatsoever. If Arthur thought that he could just drink away what he had done, he had another thing coming. It would have been alright, maybe even effective, if Arthur had been the only one hurting. But several of Merlin's close friends, including himself, could feel the hole left by Gwen's absence strongly, and an oblivious King was not going to help anyone. Whilst contemplating how bad Arthur's head was, Merlin couldn't stop his thoughts flickering momentarily to Elyan, wondering what Leon and Gwaine had said to him, curious as to whether it would help calm the young man down. They needed the knight, but Merlin couldn't fault him for his actions. He too had been furious with Arthur, and Gwen had only been his friend. It must be even worse when it came to being a sibling.

"Arthur?" Merlin could only blink in surprise when he saw the empty bed. For a moment, he felt a fleeting burst of panic, wondering whether Arthur had done something stupid considering his words the night before, but then the warlock forced himself to calm down. Looking around the room, he quickly located the royal, slouched in his chair and staring into the fire, the frown on his face showing that he was lost in thought.

"Sire?" Moving over, Merlin knew in a glance Arthur had not heard him enter. Whatever was plaguing the king (and Merlin had a very good idea of what it might be!) it was dominating his thoughts and senses completely. "Arthur?"

"Merlin?" Arthur finally blinked, turning to face his servant. Merlin winced. Arthur was pale with dark shadows under his eyes. The hope the king would have just slept the night through had obviously been one wish too many. The man looked like he had barely closed his eyes, mind whirling with alcohol and troublesome thoughts all night. Deciding that if Arthur was looking this far from kingly, he could put aside their status differences, Merlin moved in front of the man.

"You look like hell." He said boldly, waiting to see what the reaction would be. It would certainly be one way to judge the mood Arthur was in. To Merlin's relief, Arthur just chuckled drily.

"It matches how I feel then. Merlin, last night..."

"I know, I know, never speak of it again to another living soul or you'll make my life hell or have me in the stocks for a week. Or is it banishment now, I know that is your new favourite..."

"Thank you." Merlin stopped, his mouth falling open almost comically as he just stared at Arthur, mind trying to process what had just come out of his mouth.

"What?"

"Don't make me say it again, _Mer_lin, you heard me the first time. And mind your tongue, I don't want you speaking to me like that again."

"Fine, fine." Merlin responded airily, knowing as well as Arthur did the King's threats never had, and never would, stop Merlin from speaking his mind. If he was honest, the servant had realised that he had gone a bit far with the whole banishment thing, especially considering what had brought about the conversation in the first place. Apparently he hadn't forgiven Arthur quite as much as he believed he had. Merlin stole one glance at Arthur's face, and sat himself down on the other chair. Arthur's eyebrows raised, but the corners of his lips had to resist the smile tugging at them.

"You're never going to change, are you?"

"Nope." Merlin paused, glancing down and studying the table for a moment. "Arthur, I know...I know we talked about this last night, but you weren't exactly thinking straight. You'll probably throw something at me for saying this, but... are you okay?"

The servant was practically holding his breath, wondering whether he really was just pushing Arthur far more than was sensible considering the king's latest attitude. But if Merlin couldn't be here for him as a friend without fear of consequences now, when Arthur needed him the most, then what was the point of the last few years of his life trying to break through Arthur's defences? To his surprise, Arthur dropped his gaze.

"You know, Merlin, I'm not sure I am. I heard what you said last night..."

"That makes a change then."

"...and she did always come back to me, no matter what I put her through. Hell, I almost got her executed when my father found out." Arthur completely ignored Merlin's interruption, going back to studying the fire. This time, however, his servant stayed quiet. Arthur only wasn't looking at him because he was uncomfortable about what he was talking about. Merlin wasn't about to make him close back up again, not when Arthur was finally, possibly, just maybe, letting him in.

"But walking in on that...I never knew something could hurt that much. It was as if someone had just ripped my heart out and stamped on it." Merlin winced at the description and how Arthur could deliver it in such a flat voice. "How can I let that go? How can I have her around, looking at her chatting with some noble or knight or whoever, and wondering whether she wanted to be with them too? I can't do that, Merlin, I can't become my father in terms of paranoia. And if I can't trust the person I wanted to marry, then who can I trust?"

"Me." It was harder to say who looked more surprised at the word that slipped from Merlin's mouth, but Arthur smiled gently.

"I suppose you'll do." He said, the smile finally making its way onto his face a little and he nudged his servant lightly in the shin with his foot.

"It will get easier, I promise." Merlin muttered; his own smile slipping as he thought back on what it was like to lose a love. Freya had been a completely different situation to this, but at the same time, he had a feeling of what Arthur would be going through. He didn't notice Arthur watching him closely as his fingers toyed with the bottom of his shirt, unwelcome and painful memories surfacing once more. He thought he had put it behind him, but talking about this...it hurt.

The knock on the door made both master and servant jump, but as Merlin made to climb to his feet, Arthur shook his head.

"Who is it?" He called commandingly, motioning for his servant to stay precisely where he was. Merlin frowned quizzically, not understanding what Arthur was playing at. He might be the King, but there were plenty of nobles who already thought Merlin overstepped his boundaries with the man. If they saw him like this...Merlin was fully aware there were several things that could happen and be passed off as accidents. With Arthur being this unpredictable these days, Merlin wasn't sure quite whether he could rely on the King's protection the way he had relied on the prince's without even thinking about.

"It's me, Sire." Merlin tensed at Agravaine's voice. The king's treasonous uncle was the last person he wanted to see right now, but what he wasn't expecting was for Arthur's face to also cloud over.

"Leave me."

"But, My Lord..."

"Now!" Even Merlin didn't disobey Arthur when he used that tone of voice, and there was the sound of muffled footsteps before all fell silent again. Arthur blew out a long breath, dragging his hand over his face.

"Sire?"

"He wanted me to kill her, Merlin. He actually thought I would go through with it, I saw the look on his face. Is that what he thinks of me?" Merlin grimaced sympathetically, but secretly glad. Agraivaine didn't have that much influence yet that Arthur simply followed his uncle without thinking for himself.

"He doesn't know you." The servant said quietly, not being sure what the reaction to that would be. Arthur had pushed aside his servant in favour for his uncle, regardless of the fact Agravaine had only just reappeared in Arthur's life and Merlin had been the one to be with him through thick and thin over the last few years. But to his relief, Arthur made a noise in the back of his throat and didn't say anything else. After a moment of the silence, Merlin cleared his own throat and made to stand up.

"As nice as sitting around all day is, I've got this bit of a prat for a master who will moan if my chores don't get done." His attempt to lighten the mood that had taken over the room seemed to fall on deaf ears as Arthur simply looked at him. Merlin stood up, fingers playing with the back of his chair, suddenly uncertain of what to do.

"Oh just sit down, Merlin." Arthur snapped, and his servant almost flung himself back into the chair, watching his king closely. "I told you I heard what you said last night."

"Yes?" Merlin frowned, not having a clue where Arthur was going with this. By the way the thunderous expression on his face had softened slightly, it was apparent he was no longer thinking of Agravaine. How he could tell, Merlin wasn't sure, but the warlock was pretty sure Arthur wasn't thinking of Gwen either.

"All of it."

"So?" Now the servant was just confused. What was Arthur getting at? Rolling his eyes, Arthur turned in his chair until he was facing the younger man face on.

"I heard what you said about me not being the first man to lose someone I love. It happened to you, didn't it?"

Oh. Merlin had not seen that one coming. He hadn't really been thinking about what was coming out of his mouth as he had tried to snap the king out of his spiral of depression, and certainly hadn't expected Arthur to remember. His eyes dropped, and after a moment, he nodded.

"I'm sorry." Arthur said quietly, and Merlin shrugged.

"Why?" For a long time after Freya's death, he had wanted to hear Arthur say those words. Not that he blamed the then-prince in the slightest, Arthur had only been trying to protect his kingdom. Merlin knew that if he hadn't been able to get to know Freya, be able to love her, he too would have probably been joining his master on the hunt for the creature killing people. He couldn't blame Arthur in the slightest, yet he had still wanted to hear the words. But now, however, they seemed completely meaningless.

"I didn't know. I couldn't help you, you never told me. I couldn't be there for you, the way you have been with me."

Merlin sat bolt upright, knowing his mouth was hanging open.

"Who are you and what have you done with Arthur Pendragon?" Arthur rolled his eyes, giving his servant a slight kick once again.

"Shut it, you." He muttered, fondness in his tone.

"Never." Merlin responded with a cheeky grin, standing up once more. Arthur may have only delivered one sentence, but for Merlin, it was as if everything had changed. The King _had_ noticed that he had tried to be a friend to the man, he had been listening to everything Merlin had said, and had even wanted to repay the favour. But it was so much more than that. He had admitted it all. Suddenly feeling the tension between the two of them life, Merlin grinned, and after a moment, Arthur returned his smile.

Things may be wrong at that moment in time. Merlin knew there was a traitor, one he couldn't seem to get Arthur to be able to see, and that they had both lost someone dear to them thanks to Arthur's actions. Camelot could potentially be in more peril than she had ever been in before, and once again, the threat was coming from within the castle walls, caused by the actions of someone Arthur was too blind to see the true nature of.

But at the same time, Merlin felt like he could smile again. Gwen may have been gone, a void that could never be filled in his heart. Yet, had he just got Arthur back? Not the King of Camelot who seemed to push everyone away, but the impassioned man who would fight for what he thought was right, no matter what. Agravaine's Arthur seemed to have backed away in that moment, and Merlin felt his grin broaden as Arthur finally stood up and began listing chores for his servant to carry out that day.

_His _Arthur was back, for now at least.


End file.
